I think I originally came to this forum because I wanted to share my experiences of which I had and still have a lot of anger and hatred towards. I still want to share those experiences, but I can't help but think doing so would be a really, really bad idea in the long run. From what I can tell my experiences go so far against the spiritualist narrative, whose members vastly outnumber the opposition, that sharing such expereinces might actually cause material harm to me in the future. At least that's the fear.
I also came to this forum intending to share what knowledge I had on magic. But the more I looked the more I saw other people already doing that. Sure some of it was different and I didn't agree with all of it but it was probably good enough to get people started. I didn't really see what I was adding to the discusson anymore. I didn't really see why I was bothering with my open source magic deveopment thread. So I deleted it.
The third reason I came was probably to pick fights with spiritualists and point out their hypocrisy although I didn't know it at the time. My hatred of what I had to go through with the paranormal is amplified in the spiritualists who enable that behaviour and are ultimately the reason it exists at all. I'm a fighter at my core, I don't really feel alive unless something is trying to kill me. I've learned that it's not a way of being most people can relate to. I don't think it's fair that spirits are capable of doing what they do and most if not all people down here aren't. I don't think it's fair that they have the capability to ruin peoples lives, mess with their emotions and mental states, outright kill them, and more without the slightest chance of retaliation in most cases. I don't think it's fair that spirits claim to have some sort of moral authority that other people, especially on this plane, don't. And that they justify their authority with nothing but power. I don't like that they have run an incredibly successful campaign of human domestication for who knows how long just because they want to feel special. If I'm honest, I want to murder all of them. Find everyone involved and cut them to pieces. Force them to incarnate in the world they helped create and see how superior they feel then. And at one time I tried to do just that and failed spectacularly. Really only alive now because of help from others. But that's just crazy talk from a random blind man with no power and no ability to do anything of any substance in the world.
So I'm at an impasse, wanting to talk about all this stuff but knowing it's both too crazy and too dark to do so. And also because, let's face it, this is an internet forum, what is discussion here really going to accomplish? I might as well spend my time doing what I was doing before joining skeptiko and training in the hopes that one day I might be able to attain the level of magic I want and train others. Hopefully bringing more freedom into the world for individuals. I don't even know if I really want to train other sometimes. I look around at all the religious people and others who bow down to systems of authority and I wonder if they even deserve it. The world is in it's current state not because a few bad people rule it at the top, but because billions follow their orders with a smile on their face. The corruption does not exist in the hearts and minds of government officials or CEO's, it exists in the hearts and minds of the average walmart shopper or regular at the local church. The people who do what they do "just to get by" with no regard for their own dignity and no thought about why they bother surviving at all.
So a lot of my training has shifted to attempting to leave my body and never come back. Sure I could just commit suicide to achieve approximately the same thing, in the same way Tang is approximately orange juice, but that wouldn't be any fun. Besides, the ability to consciously leave an incarnation whenever I want would be an incredibly useful skill that would come in very handy in future incarnations whenever I want to "reroll my character."
So I throw it back to you, random reader. Have I been wasting both my time and everyone elses here on this forum, or is there still a reason for me to be here?
I also came to this forum intending to share what knowledge I had on magic. But the more I looked the more I saw other people already doing that. Sure some of it was different and I didn't agree with all of it but it was probably good enough to get people started. I didn't really see what I was adding to the discusson anymore. I didn't really see why I was bothering with my open source magic deveopment thread. So I deleted it.
The third reason I came was probably to pick fights with spiritualists and point out their hypocrisy although I didn't know it at the time. My hatred of what I had to go through with the paranormal is amplified in the spiritualists who enable that behaviour and are ultimately the reason it exists at all. I'm a fighter at my core, I don't really feel alive unless something is trying to kill me. I've learned that it's not a way of being most people can relate to. I don't think it's fair that spirits are capable of doing what they do and most if not all people down here aren't. I don't think it's fair that they have the capability to ruin peoples lives, mess with their emotions and mental states, outright kill them, and more without the slightest chance of retaliation in most cases. I don't think it's fair that spirits claim to have some sort of moral authority that other people, especially on this plane, don't. And that they justify their authority with nothing but power. I don't like that they have run an incredibly successful campaign of human domestication for who knows how long just because they want to feel special. If I'm honest, I want to murder all of them. Find everyone involved and cut them to pieces. Force them to incarnate in the world they helped create and see how superior they feel then. And at one time I tried to do just that and failed spectacularly. Really only alive now because of help from others. But that's just crazy talk from a random blind man with no power and no ability to do anything of any substance in the world.
So I'm at an impasse, wanting to talk about all this stuff but knowing it's both too crazy and too dark to do so. And also because, let's face it, this is an internet forum, what is discussion here really going to accomplish? I might as well spend my time doing what I was doing before joining skeptiko and training in the hopes that one day I might be able to attain the level of magic I want and train others. Hopefully bringing more freedom into the world for individuals. I don't even know if I really want to train other sometimes. I look around at all the religious people and others who bow down to systems of authority and I wonder if they even deserve it. The world is in it's current state not because a few bad people rule it at the top, but because billions follow their orders with a smile on their face. The corruption does not exist in the hearts and minds of government officials or CEO's, it exists in the hearts and minds of the average walmart shopper or regular at the local church. The people who do what they do "just to get by" with no regard for their own dignity and no thought about why they bother surviving at all.
So a lot of my training has shifted to attempting to leave my body and never come back. Sure I could just commit suicide to achieve approximately the same thing, in the same way Tang is approximately orange juice, but that wouldn't be any fun. Besides, the ability to consciously leave an incarnation whenever I want would be an incredibly useful skill that would come in very handy in future incarnations whenever I want to "reroll my character."
So I throw it back to you, random reader. Have I been wasting both my time and everyone elses here on this forum, or is there still a reason for me to be here?
