Hello respected Boo boo and Kai,
I was expecting "abuse by words" from others towards my insane sentences, but most of forum members are very kind and rational and knowledgeable, only expressing constructive opinions. You are very kind and understanding. Thank you!
I don't mind the supposed abuse or insult, if there would be any, I would welcome to see how adamantine some believers cling to their fairy tales.
At least my sanity lays in the sense of that, I do not claim I'm right or cling to my opinions at all. I may be totally wrong.
Similar to the motives behind reckless believers' cling, that is to defend their fancy wonderlands, I also have a bias to reject anything sounds sweet. I lament on that there are too many reckless camouflaged fairy tales, simply because I'm unhappy and super angst and trapped in dilemma in my real life!
I also doubt this possible perspective:
"All will disappear" justifies the ultimate meaninglessness of everything including plan, unfairness, unravelled puzzles, questions, answers, bewilderment, stray, confusions, etc.
I know nothing! I make no affirmatives. There is no evidence to deny it as well as to sustain it.
After all, if God also has a plan for me, and requires me to serve a purpose (I feel I have not done well and have been trapped and am incapable and incompetent to fulfil whatever purpose), I sense my blindly unaware of any of the answers to those questions including those relevant to my personal issues and experiences, and my being littered in this center of desert of super befuddlement, are all parts of that plan.
In other words, I lament here, there, in this way, that way, because I'm trapped and could not find any answer or method, is necessary for the part of that purpose relating to me.
I am actually eager and thirst for that there truly is such a plan, which could possibly backup an answer to my suffering, even if it doesn't care about my suffering. I just want an answer, tell me why then I can swallow the bitterness more efficiently.
But if I could know, all my suffering would have been drastically alleviated which means I then won't continue to suffer at all, and so my task will remain unfinished.
Either I have no task at all meaning I and my suffering are meaningless piteous bugs, or I have a purpose to serve by my suffering and struggling while I must remain in unknowing and so fumble in the darkness, even if this can be a trapping and result in my fumble inefficient.
The only thing I'm sure is that I don't know a bit.
Sincerely wish you all good luck.