I have shared aspects of my personal journey on this forum.
There's a recent noteworthy "update" that I posted on a message board within a private "Exo Studies" group of which I am a participant.
I decided to post it here too... the reason I am choosing this particular thread is the thread title and how it ties into the metaphor featured at the end of this post -
The vision I had on Friday, May 7, 2021.
There is only one instance (though it has been an off and on recurring one since I first recognized its presence which was in the summer of 2001) where I would experience having the type of vision I will next describe. All my life since I ever first considered exploring what I would see when I would close my eyes, I would see what I assume everyone else sees. And there is only one factor which causes a variation in what I would see - that being the amount of light present in my environment when I close my eyes.
So, in consideration of that variant, which essentially only impacted the shading, I would always see the same thing which is... a sort of disorganized lattice of lines and curves of light and sometimes dots either connected or independent of these lines and curves. Very thin lines and curves and the dots slightly larger in diameter than and width of any of the lines or curves. The light appears whiteish or maybe a little yellowish yet with a fading into a blue on each side of the lines or curves and the outer edge of the dots. If I have my eyes open in a highly lighted environment and then shut them... I see these things more clearly for a few moments whereby then my eyes adjust and the intensity decreases. Yet still, I always can perceive this odd lattice yet also, it never formed any type of figure (that I recognized) until the summer of 2001.
What began to appear and remain present was the image of an eye. A living eye that always, when I closed my eyes, would be findable if I simply looked for it. At that time, I was also in the midst of a true "Book of Job" style life crisis, meltdown that included an arising in intensity psychosis brought on, in part, due to my condition which which is a proclivity to "marijuana induced psychosis." Thus, in consideration of that factor and because this turned out to be my ninth psychotic break (in a series of ten, the tenth being late 2011/early 2012), I stayed half-way grounded by simply telling myself I am probably crazy and this "eye" thing is simply a product of an on-setting psychosis.
Of course, eventually (in my own experience) an emerging psychosis always ended up in what I call "full-blown psychosis" whereby others can clearly see that something's quite wrong and I needed help or, I needed to be forced into getting help for the safety and sanity of others and perhaps myself too. So it was under these circumstances "the eye" began to appear.
Fortunately, life's circumstances led me through that episode whereby I actually only spent two nights in a facility and then, somehow, the psychosis went down from level 10 to about a 6 or 7 whereby over the course of the next six months I extracted myself from all usage of marijuana and then I came out of it pretty well completely (a level one or two or so) and maintained that for nine or so years. But the eye never left. I rarely looked for it, but it never left though the last time I recall thinking about it and looking for it was maybe a year ago.
I know this story is already too long, but here's the part I wanted to share. Again also, it is important to understand that the tenth 'dark' experience mentioned earlier and which was, again, brought on in combination of my proclivity for marijuana induced psychosis and an volcano of stress in late 2011, concluded as far as a level 10 psychosis in early 2012. It was then I sunk into a true, dark night of the soul which ended in miraculous and instant fashion on April 26, 2012. I had abandoned usage of marijuana in late January... perhaps around the 20th or 25th ish range, and important to add, used no other substance from alcohol to anything else, so by mid-March of 2012 I was at least no longer a level 10... more like a level 3 or 4.
It is important for me to make sure any reader of this post understands I have absolutely no consideration that cannabis is bad, is wrong for anyone to use in any way or that it should be illegal. This condition I have is extremely rare yet also, thankfully, has become recognized as a "real condition" and there's been many studies that have come out about it. Sadly, the only organization I am aware of that has striven to raise the awareness of the risk of this condition also uses this as a reason to advocate against legalization, etc... something that I feel is the exact WRONG thing to do. Why penalize the 99% or more of humanity for the few who have this condition? Thus, if ever I was involved in any political aspect of the whole "marijuana" debate, I would be advocating for full legalization coupled with a raised awareness of the risks for those (and society) who emerge as having this extremely rare proclivity... and that treatment approaches can be developed which are compassionate for both society and the rare individual that experiences the worst of this condition. I celebrate 4/20 day yet, I do so in the way I have to - celebrating it for those who benefit in an entheogenic visionary way and/or medical way from this incredible plant and its two wonderful strains - sativa and indica.
All of the above information is to make sure understanding (and context) is in place for what I am about to share. Noting that even after April 26, 2012 I would be able to close my eyes and locate "the eye" I rarely bothered and I never drew any conclusions as to what or why I would "see" this eye. And over time I rarely even looked for it.
On April 26 this year (2021) my oldest son... who had four known psychotic breaks leading up to what became his fifth, went to a level 12 or 13 on my scale (and according to him in my conversation this morning, he said "level 17") and he became violent, apparently did thousands of dollars in damage to his rental home and then participated in an escalating conflict with his estranged girlfriend who seems to have been experiencing her own issues (and for years) and who suddenly showed up over the weekend (24th/25th) which crossed a line where he became violent and fortunately, the police came and he was taken to jail where he sits with two felony counts for assaults' and property damage.
There's more to April 26th, 2021 (noting again that this is exactly nine years to the day I emerged instantly from a deep, dark depression which also involved a serious psychosis). But I must say this - two other equally dramatic events involving a.) my middle son's wife, noting they and their two children have been living in a separate house located on the same property as the home my oldest son went berserk in, became (and not for the first time) sundial (with threats of homicide) and the police came and took her to a mental health facility where they obtained a 24 hour mental health order of protection. And I learned yesterday the date of the following event - it was probably April 26th but may have been the 27th... he's not sure, but the boyfriend of my step-daughter (my wife's only child... my wife being my second wife and not the mother of my three sons)... he has been separated from his wife for years but is in a complex situation which has so far not been resolvable via a divorce... this man found himself in a terrible heated exchange with this wife which, for the first time in his life, escalated into violence. Without saying more than I need to, due to their "status" there was no involvement of police.
Needless to say, the last week or so has been a rough one, though, in some odd way, I feel I have prepared for these types of things which, some might interpret to be "attacks" involving things not of our ordinary reality. I will leave it at that.
It was only two days ago, on Friday, that I finally communicated with my oldest son, his name is Stephen... I felt I had to wait to hear reports from his brother that his psychosis was starting to subside. This day was the first day he could be spoken with where his "normal, grounded self" was present. It was also his thirtieth birthday - exactly.
Just after I spoke with him... I finally became overwhelmed by it all and broke down in tears. Something I needed and thankfully it happened.
Then, as I began to emerge from this crying event... with my left arm resting on its elbow on my desk and the left fist clenched and positioned so as to prop up my forehead... and with eyes clenched tightly shut... I began to relax the eyelids though they were still fully shut.
It was at that moment I saw a detailed and perfect symbol of a cross... but not the ordinary Christian cross... the base was not as long as we normally see. And what emerged simultaneous with this cross was clearly a rose, a rose smack right in the middle... rather large and covering far more than the area where the two cross parts cross over each other. The whole image was exactly that which one sees when one looks at the symbol of the Rosicrucians... all made out by this strange lattice of light. Clear and holding its form without movement. The vision/image lasted maybe 7 or so seconds but is now burred into my memory and it is something I will never forget.
Much like this but where the rose was bigger and covered more area... and again, was formed by this odd light/lattice type structuring... like energy if one could see it... like brilliant plasma perhaps....
I had to write this all up and place it here - I hope ya'll don't mind.